My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
