Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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