I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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