what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
