I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
