I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
