I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
