Don't make out with my wife yet
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
