That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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