do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
