if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
