My liver just broke up with me...
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
