I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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