I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
