Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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