the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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