First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
