I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
