i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
