i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
