you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
foreskin is a definite game changer
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Randomize
