I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
