They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
