never play flip cup with pint glasses
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Boobs speak an international language.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
