I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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