Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
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