I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
