If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I am midnight drunk by noon
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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