dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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