my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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