I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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