seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
