I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Ketchup is God's man juice
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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