Joe is yelling at the trees again.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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