The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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