Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
