I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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