party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
