so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
we're so committed to being not committed
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
