Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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