I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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