Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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