I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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