So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I have fence marks all over my body
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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