Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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