I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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