omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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