don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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