just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
