you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
