brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
