I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
