chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
