we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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