ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
