I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
