I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
handjob tips. give me some.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
