I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
